EPISODE #23 – WHY BEING THE “GOOD GIRL” ISN’T SERVING YOU – how to break up with perfectionism ft. Majo Molfino
- Published on: 07 September, 2020
- Last update: 01 April, 2021
THIS WEEK ON WHAT’S THE JUICE PODCAST
Let’s get right into it: what’s your Good Girl Myth and what is it costing you? If you’ve ever struggled with self-judgment or feeling shame around your power (hi, who hasn’t?) then this episode is for you. And your sister, and your best friend, and maybe even your mom! This week I’m chatting with the lovely, Scorpio, feminist, cultural critic Majo Molfino, author of the new book Break the Good Girl Myth: How to Dismantle Outdated Rules, Unleash Your Power, and Design a More Purposeful Life about one of my fav topics: unweaving the threads of shame and self-judgment so you can live your juiciest life.
This week on the pod we break down the 5 Good Girl Myths and how to identify and shift your internal storyline. Wondering why those seemingly little things trigger you so much? Starting to notice you feel uncomfortable in certain situations? Becoming aware that your internal dialogue is not so kind and actually kinda judgy? Looking for a reason to stop playing small? Then consider this spicy convo your how-to guide to become more authentically you!
First things first, anyone who knows me well will be the first to tell you that I do NOT like getting in trouble. I mean, who does, but I can be… well, particularly paranoid. When I start to explore this internally I come to a couple of conclusions that we touch on throughout the episode. First, I want to be perceived as “good” because… well… that feels good. And secondly, I have a memory associated with being wildly expressive and I got in trouble…so I felt shame!
What the Heck is a Good Girl Myth?
We form our foundational beliefs early on in life and many of us never stop to check the narrative playing out – even if it’s not serving us. Good Girl Myths are kind of like self-sabotaging tendencies. They literally create a barrier for women (and men!) and prevent us from stepping into our full power.
Majo points out that so much of the work is reclaiming the authentic parts of ourselves that got lost in our early conditioning. So how do you know if you are subscribing to a Good Girl Myth?
- Are you feeling a lack of creativity?
- Are you hard on yourself when you make a mistake or mess up?
- Are you experiencing a lot of shame?
- Are you people pleasing or playing small?
- Are you minimizing your authentic self for others?
A note on Majo: She has a Masters in Learning, Design, and Technology from Stanford University and a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology with a minor in Cultural Studies from McGill University. So, she’s kind of uniquely trained to think about the way we operate within a society. To help people think about how the expectations of the culture shape our actions, she created the following sub-categories – otherwise known as the Good Girl Myths.
The 5 Good Girl Myths
It turns out that four main systems of influence shape us as people. Family, School, Religion, and Pop Culture are four places where often invisible rules or “norms” are handed down without us being conscious of that fact and so we might not even realize it’s happening. Norms are often invisible, which makes them hard to see until you start looking for the evidence.
Leave it to a Scorpio Sun / Virgo Moon to illuminate the cages that create our conditioning! Many of us didn’t get the memo that these rules expire. Until you acknowledge the limitations of your existing conditioning, you will continue to carry it with you into the future. In my case, this looks like my fear of getting in trouble with people who don’t even know me…think of how much brain power this takes up!! Seriously, we have so many better things to do with our precious time and energy.
So, what Good Girl Myth resonates with you?
- The Myth of Rules: You are afraid to challenge or break the rules in service of owning your truth. This might look like fear of standing up to an external authority figure such as your parents, priest, or boss, or presenting an alternative that differs from the typical script. (This is totally my dominant myth.)
- The Myth of Perfection: You are achievement-oriented and find it hard to give yourself the space to be messy or creative. You like to do things “effortlessly” or might feel “exposed” when you share more of your imperfections or process.
- The Myth of Logic: You lead with logic and ignore your emotions more often than not. You were trained to privilege your intellect and might feel like you’ve lost touch with your body and feelings. (This one hit home for me!)
- The Myth of Harmony: You hold back your voice for the sake of maintaining important relationships in your life. You try not to ruffle feathers, and because of this you might find it difficult to verbalize what you really want.
- The Myth of Sacrifice: You give yourself away because you are afraid of being called “selfish.” You sacrifice your time and energy for others without caring for yourself, and find that you sometimes feel bitter, resentful, or maintain toxic relationships as a result.
How to Deconstruct Your Good Girl Myth
I love how Majo puts it: Can we increase our ability to get into trouble by defying these prescribed Good Girl Myths? Bringing awareness to the patterns at the heart of our decisions can help us shift from reactive to responsive actions that are much more empowered.
Because these patterns were instilled at such a young age, a good place to start the deconditioning process is by revisiting the “flashbulb memories” that have shaped us. (I share one of mine from pre-k and honestly guys, unpacking this was SO potent!!!) It’s easy to dismiss these incidents as insignificant now that we’re adults but let’s be real – children can’t tell the difference between a “tiny” trauma and a big one. Acknowledging these moments allows us to move forward by observing what created the limiting belief in the first place. Look back at your early life – what memories stand out to you?
Majo recommends the following process to start deconstructing your own Good Girl Myth:
- Start by identifying your Good Girl archetype and the myths that it comes with.
- Determine which Good Girl Myth is primary – i.e., your most controlling one – and which is secondary. Each myth offers different steps you can take to address your imbalances and re-pattern.
- Own what you’re working on! Vulnerability is courageous. Such a good reminder to let yourself be seen in your imperfectness process.
- Rinse, wash, repeat. Like all habits, it’s a continuous process of learning and unlearning.
How the Myths Impact Relationship
Of course, I was very curious about how the Good Girl myth shows up in relationships, romantic or otherwise. As you know, my relationship with my mother is C O M P L E X to say the least, and the mixed messages I got growing up have definitely impacted my romantic relationships.
Majo points out that even today, lots of women fear speaking up. The Myth of Harmony might just be the most pervasive Good Girl myth in our culture. Many of us are trained to bite our tongues and hold back our truth in order to preserve important connections. If you find yourself trading your authentic desires for security and getting sucked into yet another toxic relationship, then it’s definitely time to ask yourself whether you are using your voice.
We cover some juicy territory today, so make sure to tune in and get the full download from Majo. It’s time to break the myth because obviously the world needs you in your full power.