Organic Olivia logo

How My Sexual Reawakening Changed My Life

  • Published on: 19 June, 2017
  • Last update: 09 August, 2017

HEY GUYS! I’m back from Jamaica, and I’ve been reflecting SO much these past few days about what I want to write to you. It’s a little overwhelming so I’m just gonna dive right in…

Out of all the places I’ve had the honor of visiting, Jamaica brought me the most ‘signs’, synchronicities + lessons – yes, even more than living in Costa Rica for 2 months! This isn’t because I had some magical adventure or went somewhere exclusive. In fact, it was probably the most ORDINARY travel experience I’ve ever had. What was different this time had to do with ME: this trip helped me realize subconscious beliefs I’ve held about myself & my body for years that I had NO idea were affecting everything from my mental health to my weight and hormones.

As you guys know from previous posts, I feel that a huge part of my purpose is to help women. That not only includes women who have physical health complaints, but also those who (like me) have been through trauma, dysfunctional family situations, low self-esteem & emotional difficulties. These can and will manifest physically, so bringing them to light & speaking about them openly is a HUGE part of healing. The reason I’m about to share my experience is because I think what I’ve learned will resonate with the very women I love and want to reach.

Getting back to Jamaica… I was EXTREMELY in touch with my intuition there, and I believe that’s because I felt so utterly grounded and PRESENT in my body. It could have been the fact that it was a girls trip and I was surrounded by strong feminine energy… or perhaps it was the way the people of Jamaica embody the joyous, loving spirit of the earth. Maybe it was the feeling I got while dancing in the sun to the flow of rhythm (which I realized was missing in my day-to-day life… why don’t I ever dance just because I’m alive?!) Whatever it was, it made me feel more beautiful and like MYSELF than ever. That in turn translated to what seemed like a super-sixth-sense, where I had such a strong gut feeling about people & experiences that I was led to exactly where I needed to be. It was almost like I was making love to the universe, trusting it (and myself) completely, reaping the benefits that come with such a union.

Speaking of the universe, it’s funny how it sends us messages in the most clever of ways. The last picture I posted to Instagram before I took a break was me in my favorite yellow swimsuit, happy as a clam in my own skin. A woman commented asking why I’m “showing off” my body, as if it’s something wrong and shameful I should hide rather than embrace. I explained that at this point in my life, I feel beautiful and choose to CELEBRATE my body after years of us being at war. Little did I know, the next few days would have EVERYTHING to do with the theme of that one silly comment – I was about to unearth YEARS of internalized/repressed body shame that I didn’t know I was still holding onto. I learned how to whole-heartedly mean the response I gave back to her.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? The point of this girls trip was to celebrate my best friend’s birthday, so we wanted to relax and just have FUN (something that’s very hard for me to do. All my life I’ve said, “I just don’t know how to be fun; it’s not for me.” I feel like I always have to be doing something productive).

Because this getaway was purely for pleasure, we booked an all-inclusive resort, something that also turned out to be hard for me at first. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been extremely independent. I like to explore and I definitely love my freedom. I usually take the road-less-traveled and book an Airbnb so that I have a more authentic experience, so it was an absolute SHOCK to be in a place where everything was taken care of for me!

Funny enough, this all-inclusive experience is what first started to spark my #JamaicaEpiphanies. As we settled into the resort, I realized I was in this place where everything was designed to take care of me – to make me feel the most enjoyment humanly possible. It was a place where I could no longer believe the negative thoughts that sometimes play in my mind telling me that everything I’m doing is wrong – because there really IS no wrong there. Your only job is to do whatever makes you feel PLEASURE… so I was faced with the question of, what the hell is that?

At first, I felt extremely strange every time I did something that was purely hedonistic and honored my desires – even something as simple as leaving a restaurant with my drink because I didn’t finish it yet and wanted to enjoy it outside. I kept asking my friends, “am I going to get in trouble if I walk out with this?!” No matter how many times they reassured me that this type of thing was allowed there, I felt on edge as if someone was going to scold me at any moment. I had constant anxiety and was subconsciously waiting to be punished for enjoying myself & being care-free. I felt so guilty leaving cups or plates around even though the staff kept telling us to do so; I was tremendously uncomfortable with having people serve me or wait on me, and I couldn’t bear not tipping every person that helped us out.

While part of this certainly comes from being raised with manners and humanity, I had to face the underlying reality: I was uncomfortable with others taking care of me. I was unable to allow myself to feel PLEASURE because I believed I didn’t deserve it. I felt that it was normal to get in trouble just for BEING; like I took up space and was getting in peoples’ way by enjoying myself. Above all, I was constantly preparing myself to be punished for something (which is where all the anxiety was coming from). Heavy stuff to be feeling at a freakin’ resort, right! Where did it all stem from… especially the punishment part?!

Once I realized that was the case in this petri-dish setting, BAM! It clicked that these beliefs spill into SO many other areas of my life! They are a source of anxiety for me on the daily, not just in this acute situation… all the situation did was help me see it better. It forced me into a new environment where I could view my behavior and thoughts from a new perspective.

So I’m sure you want to know… did I figure out WHY I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and about to get in trouble? Yes I did. And let me tell you… I now understand what they mean by “Pandora’s box.” Years of subconscious beliefs and anxiety started pouring out and making sense.

For those who have read my personal posts before, you probably know what I’m about to say. I realized that this negative programming came from my mother and the way we interacted throughout my life. It’s no secret that we’ve had an extremely strained relationship; she battles many mental health issues and my father and I were always in her line of fire.

What always helped me get through it was understanding that the way she spoke to and treated me was how her abusive mother spoke to and treated her. The cruel things she’s said to me were unfortunately reflections of how she felt about herself. I’m not making excuses for people who treat others poorly, but at the same time I can detach myself because I understand that hurt people, hurt people. To treat others with love and respect you must first be able to extend the same to yourself, and that’s something she could never do. I know the pain she put on us is only a fraction of what she feels inside. I know the things she denied me were also things she denied herself. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to keep a healthy distance and can (most of the time) reflect on my experiences with her from a place of compassion.

Basically what I’m trying to say is: her whole life, everything my mother did was wrong in the eyes of HER mother. She was always getting in trouble, beaten, or yelled at for simply being her. She was always told her body was too fat and ugly. She was told she wasn’t wanted. And she was DEFINITELY, 100%, shamed about sex: the most natural part of being a living organism. What’s worse than getting in trouble for the most human instinct we have – the one that furthers our very existence? I’ll get back to that in a moment…

While I didn’t receive the exact same treatment from my mother, the beliefs her mother beat into her were absolutely passed onto me. I also got in trouble for every little thing, but it was more verbal abuse and manipulation than anything. I went into specific detail earlier which was lovely to release, but I have since decided to remove it. Let’s just say I spent a lot of time getting yelled at for being me, and I spent far too many hours fighting a battle when I should have been learning how to love & TRUST. In turn, I was pretty behind on learning how to relax into & trust the path of my life; or myself for that matter. Anxiety was always a huge problem.

Back to the topic of sex – something my mother definitely passed on from her childhood was shaming me for my sexual instincts. I will never forget the first time I encountered the topic of sex. I was a young child (kindergarten maybe?), and used to go to this summer program every morning with a boy from our town. We carpooled, so my mom would stop at his house to pick him up and have coffee with his mother while we played upstairs.

One day, this boy “Andy” told me that we were going to have “sex” and “make a family.” He of course was parroting this from somewhere and had no idea what it actually meant – he just knew it involved this strange thing between his legs. We went upstairs to play “family” and did your usual “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” that kids do when learning about their bodies. I think I poked his penis with my finger, said “ew it’s squishy!” and we giggled. We went downstairs after accomplishing what we thought was “sex” and went on with our lives.

The next week, my mom asked me to help her write his birthday card and handed me a pencil. I asked her how to spell “sex” so I could tell him I was excited to do it again (that’s literally how innocent it was – I asked my MOTHER how to spell it!) and she flipped out. She started screaming about how his parents must be psychos who were doing parenting wrong, and continuously scolded me for not telling her about this terrible incident (which I didn’t see as negative until this point) as soon as it happened. Let’s just say Andy’s parents got an earful and I never saw him again. I know she was trying to protect me, but I also know that it’s normal for children of the same age to be curious about each other’s parts. I don’t blame her for this incident, but it was a hell of a way to be introduced to the concept of “sex.” From that day on I felt that “sex” was wrong, dirty, and something I would get in trouble for.

Fast forward to 5th grade, when boys no longer had “cooties” and I started developing bonds with female friends by talking on the phone with them for hours. My friend Angelina confided in me one night that she had a crush on a boy in our class. I got so excited because I also had a crush on a boy (who I had been friends with since Pre-K) and finally had someone to tell! We were so giddy that night, and it was such a new, exciting thing to bond over. When my mom tucked me into bed, I decided to share my secret crush with her – after all, she was another woman I trusted and wanted to bond with. I’ll never forget the way her soft voice instantly became harsh and monotone as she told me I was NOT allowed to like boys because I’m too young and it is WRONG. “I don’t want to hear another word about this,” she said. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and stupid.

Around that age (10/11 years old) I couldn’t help the changes my body was going through. I couldn’t help that I liked a boy, or that I felt things “tingle” when I watched people kiss on TV. (I asked her why that happened too and she shut it down quick!) My biology was going to take its course whether we liked it or not. At this time, I began to understand that touching myself felt good and brought me comfort. I remember lying in my bed at night, hand on my vagina, praying that my grandmother wasn’t watching the shameful things I was doing from heaven. I hated that I was like this and wanted to hide it from my mom so I would make her proud. I felt like some weird sexual deviant that couldn’t control herself, but suppressing it only made it worse.

Our “sex talk” was mostly, “Olivia, do you know how sex happens? Tell me exactly how.” I told her that a man “stuffs” his penis inside a woman’s vagina. That was the end of that.

When I met my first boyfriend at age 14, she told me she was actually pretty “surprised” because she figured I was a lesbian based on how I dressed as a kid and how disinterested I seemed in boys. OF COURSE I couldn’t show her my interest. I was ashamed!

Needless to say, first relationships suck and it ended terribly, although I don’t regret it one bit. Studies show that romantic relationships among teenagers can actually help them be emotionally healthier in the future, so I’m grateful for all the lessons I learned. We were together for 2 years and broke up when I was 16. The whole time, we didn’t have true penetrative sex once – I felt like a “whore” if I did that because I was so young. The one time we actually tried, I was so tense and uncomfortable that it literally wouldn’t go in. Then he left me. Fun times, right?!

The day we broke up, I was crying hysterically and had to stay home from school. It was actually a pretty controlling relationship (he had to see all of my outfits before I left the house, I couldn’t have guy friends etc). Because of the manipulation, I felt that no one else would love me and I was ruined. I was truly inconsolable, and after being compassionate the first few hours my mother grew frustrated. “Why are you crying so much, Olivia?! Did you GIVE YOURSELF to him??” The look of disgust on her face as I didn’t answer and instead kept crying harder, is burned into my brain forever. “How could you?!” she screamed, berating me for once again what she referred to as “giving myself” away. As if I didn’t want it too. As if women were objects to give away. As if I was “ruined” now – which echoed my worst fear. I begged her on my hands and knees not to tell my father. She swore up and down that she would never…. until the next morning. Do you know how it felt to see my father so disgusted with me for following my instincts? (Keep in mind – IT DIDN’T EVEN GO IN! All I can do is laugh).

We were in family therapy at the time because things were so bad at home, and he couldn’t even look at me during the next day’s session. I felt dirty and shameful, once again. Do you know what that boyfriend’s parents did when he openly told them we were going to lose our virginity to each other? They hugged him and thanked him for sharing, then educated him on safe sex. This is why I want to help women. This is why we need each other.

I can think of several other examples that stick in my brain, but I’ll give you just two more (which specifically tie back into Jamaica). When my mother would hear any type of sexual hip-hop/R&B on the radio, she would comment on how disgusting it was – and yet it was music that I loved! I knew to NEVER listen to those stations around her in fear of the awkward/shameful feelings that would come up. When she learned that middle-schoolers were “grinding” at school dances (a form of suggestive dance that horny teenagers happen to love), she made sure I knew how wrong it was. I did it anyway and dealt with the mixed feelings of instincts/pleasure vs. guilt.

Now that you have a brief history of my sexual development (LOL), I want to bring this full circle and talk about why my trip to Jamaica brought all of this up. After realizing how afraid I was of getting in trouble in general at the resort, I thought of all the other pleasurable things I was doing in Jamaica that I felt guilty or shameful about. 99% of those things involved my body, my femininity, and my sexuality. I was pretty much half naked 24/7 since I was always in my swimsuit, there was music and dancing EVERYWHERE (yes mom, the grinding kind)! The people of Jamaica are, in general, very sexual too. They are completely open about telling a woman how beautiful her body is, but not in the cat-calling way that New Yorkers do while hanging out of tow trucks. Everyone that we encountered (even though I can’t speak for an entire country) was honest and open but also respectful and not pushy. The people we met lived their entire LIVES based on pleasure – they indulge in God’s most pleasurable herb (ganja!), they wear things that complement rather than hide their curvy figures, they allow themselves to be fully immersed in primal, rhythmic music & dance, and simply put you can tell that they love sex! It’s a big part of their culture – just listen to the lyrics of their music haha.

Because all of my needs were taken care (and because for the first time, I actually allowed it), I was able to also live solely based on pleasure for a few golden days. I guess that’s what happens when you remove yourself from our strange Western society for a moment… when you have nothing to worry about and you’re in a place with different attitudes, you can just BE. You can hear your true desires and be in tune with your body.

Let me tell you guys: I never felt so damn sexy in my LIFE. I felt like the big butt my mom always told me to hide was beautiful, appreciated, and normal. I felt like I could dance in public just because I felt like it, and no one would look at me funny for moving my hips in such a sexual, primal way. In moving like that, I swear I had such an energetic release from the middle of my body. It FELT good, so I did it – simple enough.

I didn’t feel “fat” ONCE, because everyone was such a healthy weight (whereas I feel America has been obsessed with thinness for so long). I was confident in my own skin, and that in turn made me so much more attractive to others. I allowed myself to feel chemistry while dancing because I knew it was a NORMAL, harmless biological reaction — not something to be ashamed of or suppress. As I began to notice my own beauty more, I was able to fully embrace and indulge in the beauty of everyone around me, both male and female. Since I’m being open here, I was extremely turned on the whole time! I was turning MYSELF on dancing in the mirror or listening to sexual songs. I gave myself permission to listen to the lyrics and indulge in the thoughts and fantasies that came from that animalistic part of my brain, instead of shutting them down or eating them away. (Did I mention how much better my clothes fit since I came home?!)

More than anything, I was turned on because I felt FREE. Free to be in this body that came with large sexual breasts and hips. Free to be open and honest with myself about the thoughts and desires that made me feel pleasure. I was fully present within my body, rather than living inside of my head where my thoughts too often hold me prisoner or talk me out of my instincts. I didn’t feel shame that I was looking at people (or myself!) with lust – I felt that it was simply what my body was born to do to keep my DNA alive. All these years I thought only men were allowed to look, fantasize, or have sexual desires. I thought I was supposed to please the man and get through sex. I thought that if I enjoyed it too much, I was doing something wrong. I was denying myself my humanity for so long.

Because I was finally honest with myself, something clicked in my brain and I was able to be more honest with everyone else in my life. I texted my loving boyfriend who accepts me for who I am, and told him how free and turned on I felt. I was open with him about my desires and that allowed him to be open and honest with me about his too. I learned that it’s 100% normal and healthy for individuals to retain their own sexual desires even while in a loving relationship. Point blank, you are going to be turned on or intrigued by things that are not your partner – that’s just life (hello, porn!). Sharing those fantasies with your partner rather than acting on them is a beautiful way to release pent up energy, have fun together, and spice things up. I told him that being in a place where I felt no shame about my body or sexuality for the first time was going to change our sex life forever. And sure enough, it did!

When I got home, we had the best sex of our lives. It feels like we’re teens again who just met and can’t keep our hands off each other. We are so honest now, and I feel more trust and bonding than ever before.

I still feel just as turned on as the day I got home, and that’s because the feeling that came over me isn’t tied to a single person, event, or place. It’s tied to the way I feel about MYSELF and how I changed that during this trip. It’s due to the fact that I finally let go of the shame tied to my body and sexuality. I trusted my mind to go where it wanted to go & I allowed myself to FULLY relax with my partner and enjoy sex. I re-framed my attitude about sex altogether, and I now see it as one of the greatest parts of life. I learned to love my body for what it can do and how much pleasure it can bring both me and my partner.

The best part of this whole thing? Changing my attitude about my sexuality did more for my self-love issues than ANY meditation, book, or course ever could. The problem was that I couldn’t love Olivia, because I was leaving such a huge part of her out. How could I love myself, yet hate my biology for its instincts? I spent so many years trying to kill a part of me that simply wanted me to LIVE. I can’t tell you how confident I feel now because I can see myself fully for the first time. I feel like a goddess that finally harnessed her power.

I’m sorry that this is so long, but I had to get the word vomit out so that it may help at least one woman out there. I asked you guys on Snapchat if you’ve dealt with the same thing (shame about sex) and the response I got was overwhelming. So to all the beautiful women out there that feel me on this, I am begging you to reevaluate the subconscious beliefs that are sabotaging your energy and sexual potential. Do you feel like you’re always going to get in trouble? Have you been told that you’re not supposed to like/want/have sex? Are you eating/shopping/drinking to avoid facing the core of yourself, an animalistic being that needs to be nourished?

To women everywhere: I want you to make it your goal this week to do what REAWAKENS you. Dust off the dress that makes you feel like a million bucks. Take a bath, listen to sensual music, touch yourself and allow it to feel GOOD. See yourself for how beautiful you are. Get all dolled up and dance (whether it’s at a fancy nightclub or just in the mirror). Pleasure yourself or allow someone to pleasure you. Let your brain delve into your wildest fantasies. Read erotica (or write some of your own!) Figure out what turns YOU on. Tell someone (or don’t). Go lingerie shopping or visit a sex shop. Most of all, do something that helps you have FUN and feel free.

I never realized how important sexuality is to mental, emotional, and physical health. And because this is a health blog, I feel it’s my duty to share my story of pushing through shame in order to discover a new part of myself. The puzzle piece I never knew I needed.

And just in case no one’s ever told you, YOU ARE ONE SEXY WOMAN and it’s okay to release the primal, sexual side of yourself. You are not a whore if you enjoy sex; you are a woman who is honoring the most basic part of her biology. You are perfect the way you are, and you. deserve. pleasure.

I love you! XOXO, Olivia

You Might Also Like:

52 Comments

A

Reply
This was deep. The quote stood out to me was: “I spent so many years trying to kill a part of me that simply wanted me to LIVE. ” – Olivia

Irene

Reply
I love this!!! Your energy is so contagious. I have changed a lot in terms of my perspective on life and my energy. You always make me look at things with a more positive perspective and I definitely feel your good vibrations. I love this post because I sometimes feel that I love sex too much! I have an amazing boyfriend who I share great sex with, but when I’m not with him, I can’t help but want to explore my body!!! I use to think this was wrong or that I should only have sex with him. I hope you don’t mind my honesty, but I felt embarrassed because I love the feeling of having an orgasm all alone! I’m glad that you posted this and you have reassured me that there is nothing wrong with having fantasies, sexual needs etc. Whether it is alone or if I have someone to share the magical experience of sexual pleasures!! 🙂 I love you!! ♥

Thiago

Reply
Hi, Olívia! What a deep and beautiful.text you wrote. Not only women, but also men will benefit from it, believe me. I’m so sorry you have ever felt the way you mentioned you felt, that’s so sad. No child or teenanger should go through what most of us have. At least, if we have children of our own, we can do better ’cause we have been there before, right? Xoxo

M

Reply
Hey Olivia That’s a beautiful post! I feel like i struggle with similar issues, but I don’t know the root cause because my parents never shamed sex or sexuality. I was never pressured to be a virgin or anything (although I had exact same feelings as you when in romantic situations with my first teenage boyfriend, whom I’m no longer with but he did definitely straighten things up for me at that time!) . After initial shame I was quite happy with my sex life for few years until I started to suffer from vulvodynia and other sexual dysfunctions. Then I met my current partner and things were good again until I started taking hormonal birth control again. I do strongly believe there is link to both artificial hormones and my mental health and I wish I will finally at some point figure this out and heal myself because healthy sex life is, as you know, huge part of well being and forming healthy romantic relationships (it is extremely hard to keep a relationship going, stable, balanced when your sex life isn’t fully satisfying) Thanks for sharing! It gave me hope!

Saoirse

Reply
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing. I am going through a journey very similar to yours. I started seeing a therapist to work on my sexuality and as a result I learned that my sexual development was so heavily influenced by my mother’s sustained abuse over my entire life. I’m finally waking up to it and it’s overwhelming and scary. I’ve felt so lonely and like no one will believe me because my mother’s manipulation is so subtle. Wow I relate to this so much. I’ve been following you for years and recently I have been using your website as a resource in my journey to healing. Thank you for everything, Olivia. Looking forward to learning more from you.

Dee

Reply
This post brought actual tears to my eyes. It was honestly such a beautiful read and I could not relate to it any more than I do. I’m making it a point tonight to participate in open conversations with my partner about our sex life (something that I have been struggling to do). I could not thank you enough. God Bless!!

Rae

Reply
Thank you. I identify with so much that you shared.

Kate

Reply
Thank you so much Olivia. I cannot even begin to explain how deeply I connected with this. I grew up having very similar experiences with my mother. I still to this day have so much anxiety based on the feeling of being “caught”, even when it is natural or normal, I have an overwhelming panic at the thought of getting in trouble for feeling sexual. You have helped me to see issues in my own perception of life that will help me to become a healthier and happier woman. Thank you. Also, it is so reassuring to know I am not alone in this, it is such a blessing to find that other women are going through the same things I am. May you all find peace and happiness -xoxo

Christine

Reply
You make my heart so FULL! You are an amazing soul that truly has been an inspiration and I can’t thank you enough for being your organic self in every word you write. Xoxo

Hayley Pearce

Reply
I have a very similar story, except mine was due to subscribing to the fear based mentality of Southern Baptist Christianity since childhood – believing that everything I felt was ‘sinful’, that I was born a ‘sinner’, so almost nothing I did felt like I could be ‘holy’ or ‘clean’. I lost my virginity in 7th grade and since then felt unimaginable amounts of shame. I had my first real orgasm almost 5 years ago now – I’m 25. (Oh, and I don’t believe in a scary god that may send me to hell). Allowing myself to experience pleasure in general was so difficult at first, but man, HOW INCREDIBLE! The ripple effects of goodness..yes, it’s like making love w/ the universe when you let yourself flow! I am so so grateful you are using your platform to share this good news w/ women. Thank you thank you thank you. Love you bunches <3 P.S. If you're ever in Denver, visit meeee!

Kayla

Reply
Feels so good to read this and connect/relate with you. Especially you’re experiences as a child and with your mom. I love reading your words. Look forward to everything you post. I wish we could be friends <3 Love all that you do!

Kari

Reply
I loved reading every word. Sex is definitely not a subject that was talked about in my household. I thought it was embarrassing to talk about my needs to my partner, mainly because I haven’t fully discovered what I like and how to go about discovering it. It’s a subject that makes me a little uncomfortable, and it does come from how I feel as a woman. I feel beautiful, but I don’t feel sexy. My boyfriend tells that I’m hot and that everything about me turns him on, but idk how to feel that way about myself. We both feel it in our sexual relationship, that I’m holding myself back. I get too caught up in my head and thinking whether he likes this or that. I’m not confident enough as a sexual being yet. Unfortunately, it’s not something that is taught. I really am making that a goal of mine this year, entering my 30’s. I feel like there’s is so much that I need to learn about myself and I owe it to me and my bf, to become more confident and less shameful about just being me.

sandra

Reply
You are JUST UNIQUE and GREAT !!!!….. Thank you I have learn a lot from me thru You

Ellen

Reply
You are so inspiring!! This was a great read. Thanks for being so open and honest in a world that will constantly ask us to be quiet.

Stephanie Rodriguez

Reply
This was by far the best thing i have read in a very long time! So true, so real, so raw! Thank you for this ❤️❤️❤️

Rose

Reply
This is brought me into tears and everything that you have written resonates with me also! I cant believe it , Im still a virgin and I think its time I really made a change to that I mean ofcourse not just have sex with anyone lol but I mean when you wrote just go out and dance get dolled up, etc explore your body which I have never done, Ive always felt ashamed , Ive got a huge butt which I always hide with a long top and think compliments are not related to me (when I think they are) now) lol thank you so much I know this sounds really odd but this particular blog is going to make my life change. I would write in more detail but trust me your relationship with your mother is similar to mine also! xxxxx

Ila

Reply
I’m still trying to find sexual freedom and keep my sexual morals. Trying to balance what’s right and what feels right. I’m still trying elimante fear and elongate self compassion and self ❤️ love. Please continue to post about your sexual health I think it will help us all. Thank you Olivia.

Claudia

Reply
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You give me so much hope and inspiration. My boyfriend just brok up with me because of his mother who kind of does the same thing to him as your mother did to you but I think he is not ready to realize it yet cause he warships his parents. Anyway, I think I deserve someone who knows what he wants and loves me for who I am and doesn’t make fun of my beliefs. Thank you for your great blog. XOXO Claudi

Michelle

Reply
All I can say is you are a God send. I’ve been stuck in this place of taking care of everyone else and forgetting to please myself. I have two beautiful boys and an amazing husband. I always put them first and my needs last. I can totally relate with the relationship you and your mom have. When they found out I was having safe sex because they found contraception in my duffle bag, my mom slapped me and was crying. I have an okay sex life, because I feel like I have to please my husband and not myself. He tries to please me but I don’t allow him because I feel self conscious and I’m afraid he’ll hurt his neck because he has horrible neck issues. He now has this amazing massage chair that took care of his neck issues but I still haven’t asked him to please me yet. After reading your article I feel like things are going to change for me, not only in my sex life but also in other areas of my life (friends, career, and me). It’s funny I was just talking to some friends the other day about buying new lingerie to feel sexy. Thank you for being an angel ❤️

Ciara

Reply
Thank you for writing this, honestly. Its beautiful and so empowering! I admire you for writing something that exposes so much, especially the parts about your childhood truama. I have been doing alot of work trying to resolve my childhood truama and have been having a really hard time dealing with my abusive family alot lately. And for you to talk about your issues in your family and having an abusive mother, for some reason, makes me feel so much better knowing I’m not alone or crazy, and that maybe I can get through it. I think its the feeling of connection that I’m not the only one going through this. So once again, thank you. Also Jamaica sounds awesome!! I would love to be somewhere where people are so free and a live, listening to music, dancing, and snoking ganja! Sounds wonderful and i agree about jt making you realize how much were shoved into a box in western society, and not able to be our selves and be carefree.

Dena

Reply
Have you thought that that’s why men are so confident about sex? They are barely shamed about it because they are expected to have sex at any age and also when they have affairs for many people it is seen as something “normal”. Not many man look in the mirror and feel ugly or fat or not enough. There are cases but not as much as women. I just thought about it when reading the blog.

Arleen

Reply
Olivia, WOW- and THANK YOU! That’s was truly such a raw, amazing and eye opening piece you wrote. Can’t thank you enough. You have honestly made me look at my own life in such a different light 🙏🏽. This is a subject that many women struggle with so Bravo to you for shedding some light on it and letting us know we are not alone! Thanks again for being YOU!

Sarah

Reply
Wow! Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It really sparked something in me. You are such a gift to the world Olivia!!

Nathaly

Reply
Thank you Olivia for taking the time and energy to write your life learning experiences. I have gained so much knowledge from you. I feel more awake than I ever have, and a lot of it is due to you opening “Pandora’s box” Wishing u peace and ❤️

Sandy

Reply
First let me tell u thank u thank u. U have made me remember u me ever know what ppl have been through. Ur story made me realize that how I was raised effected how I’m raising my kids. I mean I always say I don’t want to make the same mistakes my parents did and I’m realizing I am. I have a 16 year old and two years ago I found out that her and her bf had sex in my house. Olivia I went into crazy mode. It was more about them video taping it that made me nuts. I get it these kids now have more access to things then when I was a kid. And kids do crazy things. I felt ashamed of me and her. I’m being honest. I felt some type of way with her. My baby …I saw the video it’s kind of how I found out. Needless to say that whole year was a disaster or I felt like it. I pulled her out of school now she is homeschooled which turned out better for her academically. Her and the guy are still together I ended up meeting with him and mom I never even told his mom that’s how much I was ashamed (maybe that was wrong)😬 I don’t want to isolate her from society. I know she need friends. I always wonder if my reaction will affect her as an adult. ur mom story made me think I don’t want her to be ashamed of her body or feel sex is shameful bc yes I was brought up that way. My mom thought I was such in a hurry to grow up only bc I liked boys. She never opened that bond where I can tell her about boys. So I hid everything. I feel like it’s so much I learned about myself and my situation reading ur story. It’s a lot more to my story also but this is a major point u hit for me. Thank u. Thank u. Much love to u and ur beautiful journey. I’m happy that ur happy 😊 live ❤️

Kim

Reply
Oh my Lord ….. I am a 46 year old woman who feels like Ive just read my own biography ! Except for the Travel part …lol …I have not been that lucky ! Thank you so much Olivia ! I think I was meant to find you and read through this blog. I think you’ve just changed my life for the better ❤❤❤❤

CANDY DUKE

Reply
I hope that someday I will have an awakening like this. I’m a 55 yr old woman who has been overweight her entire life and has never felt good about her body, with clothes on or naked. I’ve been married 35 yrs to a wonderful man who is always telling me to stop putting myself down. I just can’t. I can’t stop being grossed out by my own body and all my flaws. I hold myself back from fun things and I’m the people pleaser. So enough about me. Olivia thanks for your great blog post and I’m going to work on trying to live myself and being more free.

Jitka

Reply
Dear Olivia, thank you for sharing this personal journey with us. Brings much emotions to me. I think that people talk about sex quite openly these days, but I also think that sometimes the picture that media show us is somehow “ugly”, like it’s nothing special and you can do it with everybody and it means nothing… So I’m happy that you talks about it like it’s something healthy and natural, but you talk about it in nice and respectful way… that we should embrace our sexuality 🙂 Huge respekt for you 🙂 Jitka

Yolanda

Reply
I ❤️ Love this ………confirmation on what a Minister sent to me said to me there’s nothing wrong with me being sexy/sensual God made me that way……I’m speechless and will build on this sure solid foundation of my spiritual sexy truth

Jess

Reply
Thank you…. your childhood experiences with your mother are similar to my own. But there’s one experience that forever shaped me and even 16 years later I deal with. My mothers husband sexually abused me for 2 years from the time I was 13 until I finally told someone. Of course because I had began developing at a young age (10-11) somehow I got the blame. My mom asked me if I was the one that initiated it…. I had never been so appalled. Me… purple hair, eye brow ring, xxl cargo pants wearing, xl wrestling & rock band t shirt wearing teen who was too timid to hold a convo with strangers. I got the blame for the abuse because as a teen I had the body of a woman.. my relationship with my mother was never a close one due to similarities of your mothers attitude towards boys sex etc. Then when this came out, I knew at 15 my relationship could never repaired. Even now at 31, I have attempted to try to become close like I see my cousins and aunts or friends but I know some things can’t be fixed. However I am lucky to have a man that has taught me not to be ashamed of my body and sexuality (even with my weight and image issues) I don’t think I’ve ever shared this on a public base like this but this post has touched me in way that I can’t explain. Thank you for this…..

Cassie

Reply
Hi Olivia, I just wanted to say how much this means to me… I was in a controlling manipulative relationship when I was 14 to about 17 as well. It completely screwed me up! Made me believe that talking to other guys, wearing cute clothes, loving myself was wrong… I’m with my amazing boyfriend now of 3 years but I still have these doubts sometimes. I’m in France right now with family and have been getting respectful attention from other guys and my immediate reaction was “walk away” but I ended up talking to them and allowing to feel whatever and accept the compliments. It felt amazing to talk to other people without feeling like I will be ‘punished’. Yes I love my boyfriend but I love my self and I like to talk to other people as well and there is NOTHING shameful about that, thank you so much for this! Have a beautiful life. I love you!

Jolie

Reply
Wow, this story really touched me at my core. I can relate to you on so many different levels I don’t even know where to start. Well I’ll start off by saying this, If your blogs were bible length long, I wouldn’t mind reading it because your vulnerability in this post truly nourishes my soul.. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship and it continues till this day. She’s very judgmental, quick to criticize, cares entirely too much about what people think and doesn’t apologize for putting me down. It’s been like this since high school and as an adult the saga continues. She even made me see a therapist when she found out I was experimenting with girls at a young age, kicked me out the house and disowned me. Although I forgave her for everything and that chapter has ended. I feel like as an adult with a fiance’ she still has a hold on me and I don’t know how to break free. It’s kind of disheartening, but I just wanted you to know that your blog post gave me hope. It feels good to know I’m not alone. Although I’ve always been a sexual person, so I never really struggled with being free in that aspect, I just wanted to point out communication with your partner is crucial. Everyone should be able to talk to their partner about their likes and dislikes and most deepest desires. That’s something I never had before the relationship I’m in now. And it’s such a beautiful thing once it all comes into fruition. Congrats on your newly found freedom and if we’re being honest here. You being so open and honest in this blog post really turned me on! You’re an amazingly beautiful beam of light. Olivia, don’t ever change and continue to be free!

Benita

Reply
Absolutely loved this! I’m so happy for you and proud that you unleashed the sensual side of yourself. And even more so that you no longer feel ashamed about it. I of course have struggled like many other women with suppressing my sexual instincts and the fear of others judging me for my femininity. I have a pretty good relationship with my body but most of the time I feel bad about that because our society has taught us to feel shame and to hide ourselves. So I get many people trying to encourage me to do the same. Just recently a friend of mine made a harsh comment about me posting a picture of myself in my swimsuit. It really made me feel bad, but I have determined not to shrink myself to fit others ideas of what a women should and should not be. I have been to Jamaica so I am well aware of the sexual charge and positive energy in the atmosphere on that island. I wish more women would visit there and experience what it’s like to harness that energy and not feel ashamed of our sensuality. Thank you for uplifting and empowering women to be their true selves and embrace their femininity and sexuality.

Leilani Santos

Reply
I would have never thought you had all of those feelings trapped inside of you if you wouldn’t have written this blog. It’s amazing to hear you explain it with so much enthusiasm. I hope you can help other women out there and that you keep on embarrassing your sexiness and sexuality. Thanks for always trying to help us! Xoxo 😘

Rain

Reply
Thank u for this olivia. Our story is practically the same. As for me, when i started doing yoga, thats when i felt better in terms of pleasure. I do yoga asanas to heal my self from pcos. I hope to meet u someday

Amy

Reply
Thank you thank you thank you. I can relate to the beliefs you once held. It’s so nice to relate to someone. Your vulnerability of sharing your story is powerful. It’s so hard for me to receive pleasure and I’m sure how to let go. Reading your story gives me hope. Much love to you 🙂

Jeanine

Reply
Olivia you are most definitely my favorite blogger of all time so much so that this is the first time I’m actually leaving a comment on a blog post ,You are my favorite because I always relate and actually learn so much from your posts ,and occasionally have epiphanies like today ,I realized today that my whole life I’ve been told to hate or be ashamed of my body ,as a child I was bullied because of my weight ,my height ,I was always told their was something wrong with my appearance ,I also was in a long lasting controlling relationship much like your first in the most crucial years of growth ,14-21, He always told me how to dress as well ,to always cover up my body or I was a “whore” ,so I always correlated showing skin with conflict ,to this day I don’t have any photos of myself in a bikini on social media because I don’t feel “comfortable” with it ,he was my first everything and the only guy I was sleeping with for years ,after that relationship ended out I had a short fling and immediately felt terrible for it ,feeling like it wasn’t myself to do that ,to have casual sex with someone I barely New ,I’ve been abstinent for nearly 5 years now ,not allowing myself to be free and have fun like a normal 20 something year old girl! A few months after this affair I developed health issues ,terrible dizziness ,nausea ,vertigo ,oral thrush,immune responses and allergies I didn’t have before along with a million other symptoms ,could it be that all the hate, criticism and suppression I’ve given and told my body has manifested in actual physical illness?! What?! Olivia youved changed my life! From this day forward I am also free ,no more suppressing our bodies of love and natural instincts ,I’m gonna rock that bikini ,feel myself to the fullest and heal all the wounds of the past! Love you for all that you are and for bearing your heart ,soul and body with us all ,you have a powerful purpose Olivia!

Rose

Reply
Love this!!! Also where did you get that blue floral dress I love it on you !

Rose

Reply
Loved this!! And Olivia WHERE did you get that blue floral dress i love it on you!

Minden

Reply
Thank you so much for this Olivia. Thank you for sharing. & all in divine timing. I quit my job last week because I know it’s not what I want to be doing. I have nothing else lined up, So I’m taking the week, or until further notice, to just do what I want to do. And for the first day off from work, I dyed my hair with henna, Something I usually wouldn’t condone because it’s unnecessary. But I did it. Cuz I wanted to. I just felt like changing up my look (something I’m scared I’ll be perceived as superficial over if I do). And it was so fun! Then I just watched some Netflix comedy shows, something I also hardly ever do, is watch tv. And I ate and made food I wanted and just chilled. I also didn’t go on social media, because yesterday I thought about it and wanted to take a break. And that has been so EASY! Usually I would be itching for a fix of something. But nooo. And then my friend told me to come read this article, and I was like yea, that’s something I am excited to do now that I haven’t filled up all my internet-reading time with random Facebook posts. I did have a couple times today where in the back of my mind I’m like “ok, don’t get to used to this” ” you should feel bad that your family is all working while your here just indulging yourself”… But this article. Came. In Divine time. Thank you thank you thank you Love you Love all you beautiful women and men accepting our sexuality completely Loving LIFE

Lina

Reply
What a beaYOUtiful read. You are absolutely right. thank you ! <3

Rebeca

Reply
Thank you so much for this blog post. Life is such a winding journey! The healing in that part of our lives (We have very similar stories) can feel scary and yet also exciting to work through. It is so worth it! From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for sharing this! A great reminder for me and I’m sure to the thousands more women you reach. Keep up the wonderful work you do!

Aleyah

Reply
I’ve been so ashamed for soooooo many years. It feels like forever that my whole soul broke down when I finally told someone. This sort of tension and fear of being released like a caged animal, keeps me from dating as well. And I am the appropiate age to date. I’m even ashamed to buy lingerie because I’m afraid I’m too young even though at my school girls were buying lacy underwear at 16. I only own one pair and I feel self conscious buying more although I’d want to. I’m even self conscious of my body and of looking sexy, because I’ve been convinced that I am not woman or feminine enough, that I am still too young. And too much of a virgin and don’t have life figured out. I am nineteen, soon going on twenty.

Shai

Reply
Gosh, this hits home really really hard!! Thank you for sharing this. This raw piece of writing gives me some hope and helps motivate me do something about my inhibitions. I’ve been romanticising the idea of taking some salsa or bachata or even flamenco dancing lessons just to feel my body move like it was intended to move and let that energy flow through it. The constant struggle to push through the days where I am in anguish for the desires that never seem to be fulfilled, is debilitating. Your words are inspiring nevertheless so I thank you, Olivia 🌺

Berlin

Reply
This was amazing to read! Thank you for pouring your soul in this. It’s a reminder that I needed today. After my last breakup 3 years ago, I made some sexual choices that I regret. I regret putting my self in multiple situations where I got taken advantage of sexually, and blamed my self bc it’s my fault for getting into that situation in the first place. I was on a road to self sabotage and that lasted those 3 years until I met my current bf, who Helped me open my consciousness. Although we do have sex and yea it’s okay but I can’t ever get to where it feels amazing. And it’s bc I can’t let this go. But writing this helped a little, even if you don’t read this. I just wanted to say thank you !

Steph

Reply
Amazing… once again you hit all the feels! You are wise beyond your years loved this!!!!

Aline

Reply
Olivia thank you so much for this it touched my heart deeply. You’re a blessing in our life’s. Love you very much

Dannia

Reply
I’m so happy you wrote this post! I can relate to every word. I even had a similar incident as a child and never understood why it was so shameful! I’m glad you shared your experience because you are not alone. It’s very sad how some of us are brought up to think our sexuality is bad and we tend to be ashamed or uncomfortable of feeling pleasure.

Diana

Reply
Loved it so much Olivia! Ate up every word. You are so right!

BRENDA TORRES

Reply
Wow! I love every word of this! Thank you for sharing and encouraging other women to feel confident and secure! Such an inspiration. Thank you for following your passion.

Rowan

Reply
Olivia… thank you for this. You just brought me to tears. I can relate to you in so many ways and I’m so grateful that you’re using your voice to say so many of the things that I (along with many other women I’m sure) haven’t been able to say. Not only because we haven’t found the words, but because we haven’t quite understood these feelings that we have harbored so very deeply within our own cores. You continue to amaze me and inspire me and I’m so glad I came across your blog these past few months. I can honestly say you’ve already changed my life in so many ways for the better and opened my eyes to a new reality. I’ve told so many of my friends to follow you and they all love you. You are so loved, Olivia. And admired and RESPECTED. Please don’t ever let anyone bring you down (*cough* that woman who commented on your photo) I truly hope she reads this post because I believe from the bottom of my heart that it would help her. It will help everyone who reads it. Men and women alike. There is a huge disparity right now, from equality to health and wellness, to corruption, lies, and societal conditioning.. so thank you for all that you’re doing to bridge the gap. Thank you so much Olivia. I hope you continue to find joy, happiness, health, pleasure, fulfillment, success, and beauty in everything you do for the rest of your life. And I hope our paths cross someday.

Jaynee

Reply
You made me cry… 😭 I want to be free & Iwant to teach my daughter to feel free and beautiful in her own skin and not be afraid. XOXO Jay3lal

Leave a Comment

Instagram

Follow Organic Olivia

@ORGANIC_OLIVIA

Newsletter

Join the Organic Olivia Community